Saturday, October 30, 2010

Holy Anxiety

I used to be pretty least I think so anyways. I loved to go out of town. I loved going boating and playing on the beach with my kids, going to the pool, hiking, camping, etc. Now, all of those things are near impossible for me. Not only does it hurt me to walk, sit, wear a bathing suit, etc, but since having my vagina pain, I have developed severe anxiety. I worry about the most absurd things! Going so long not knowing what was wrong with me and having doctor after doctor look at me like I was crazy, actually made me, well, kinda crazy. Since none of the doctors could diagnose me with anything, I was super paranoid that I had some contagious illness that I was going to pass on to my kids. I felt like a walking germ. It even got to the point where I couldn't cuddle or show any affection to my kids because I was so terrified of getting them sick. That all went away after I was finally diagnosed, but I still worry about silly things. I worry about anything and everything vagina related. I am extremely paranoid of having something else go wrong with my vagina. I worry that I might not even know because it just always hurts. This fear has made living my life much more challenging. I have a huge phobia of public bathrooms, swimming pools, and doctors offices, and I am super paranoid of people with cold sores. Believe me,  I know how ridiculous that sounds! My phobias of the bathrooms, pools, and doctors office are pretty self explanatory. The reason for the cold sore paranoia is because I am scared that I will get one on my lip and then when I shower, it will somehow spread to my lower regions. Have you ever heard of such ridiculous worries?? I know it's absurd, but I seriously have to come home and take anxiety meds if I am around someone with a cold sore. Oh how I wish I could be normal again!!

Not so Happy Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite times of year. I love carving pumpkins and getting my kids all dressed up. As soon as August comes, I start planning for Halloween! And this year, I have been extra excited since I was stuck home on the couch recovering from my first whohaa surgery last Halloween. It is FINALLY here and to my disappointment I am sick:( My head is killing me, my nose is stuffed and running uncontrollably, my chest feels like someone is sitting on it, both of my ears are aching, my throat hurts, and I have a cough. To make things even worse, my whohaa feels like it has been rubbed with sandpaper, soaked in lemon juice, and stabbed repeatedly with knives. Oh and did I mention that my kids are sick too??

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Beginning....

I am feeling more confused now than ever!! I had finally reached a point where I thought that I had actually been properly diagnosed, but the more information I read, the more I wonder. After going to doctor after doctor for what seemed like forever, I was diagnosed with Vestibulitis. Now, I'm starting to wonder if that is really what I have. I have been on so many different trial meds that I have lost count, and I have even had 2 surgeries. Needless to say, I am still in pain. Some days I have horrible burning, and other days it is burning mixed with itching. There are also days where I feel as if I am not going to be able to control my bladder, and for the past 3 weeks, my lower back has been killing me. I was put on birth control pills at a very young age to regulate my cycle, and then after having my second child, I had a mirena IUC inserted. I had the IUC for 3 years when I started having my whohaa pain, so the idea of hormones causing my pain could be very accurate. I have also read that neurological disorders can cause it. I also fit that category. My grandfather had lupus, my father's sister has MS, and my mother's brother has Parkinson's, so neurological disorders run in both sides of my family. I have suffered from migraines since I was 14. I have had 2 MRI's, 3 EEG, and numerous other tests to try to find the cause of my headaches, but nothing was ever found. My pain started 2 months after finding out that my then 3 year old had a heart problem. So, I sometimes wonder if the stress of that mixed with all of the other things I had going against me is what started all of this.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite awhile now. I have found many wonderful supportive women on here, and blogging seems to be amazing therapy for them! So, I have decided to give it a try. I felt all alone for so long. It has been so comforting talking with other women who actually really understand what day to day life is like when you live with constant whohaa pain!